Currently Breakthrough By Colbie Caillat see related

Things going through my head lately...

Will i ever find a house?  seriously?

starting to wonder if getting my MBA was really such a good idea.

will i still be in a relationship in a few months?

i need to do something about all the clothes in my closet--i think there are too many and half of them don't fit right.

i am so contemplative lately...this must explain my semi-return to xanga. 

wondering if i'll go see Taylor Swift in a couple weeks at Lucas Oil or sell the tickets...REALLY good seats.

i hate math.  who does this for fun?

it would be nice to just lie in the middle of a field and dream for a day--and some days i'd rather run through it until i collapse with nothing left.

fairytales don't exist.

i don't want to be a cynical person. 

i miss cuteoverload.com.

wondering where my career is going to go from here.

i really like Micah.  And his family.

i NEED to have some quality time with Mandi.

i have been sucked into the world of Blackberry--there is no return.

i need a case for Blackberry before i drop it.

"the sweetest thing that you ever will see in the whole wide world is a happy girl." (Martina McBride)

Fall is beautiful, i'm okay with the fact that it's here.

i want to go camping again.

Cast me not away from Your presence...though i fully deserve it.  i'm sorry.

i need an adventure.

Currently The Scarlet Letter By Nathaniel Hawthorne see related

Great Expectations

It's a good thing we don't come into this life with expectations.

One of the first things we expect in life is to be fed, and from there expectations develop and build up as we become more experienced. 

some expectations are satisfied while others fall pathetically short of what we always hoped for.  and some are met unexpectedly...like it wasn't really an expectation to begin with, and maybe you considered it once and thought, "oh, that would be nice if that happened," but you wrote it off as unrealistic or naive. 

and sometimes they change. 

sometimes it is better not to expect anything at all.  hope is good and disappointment sucks of course, but if i can help it, i try not to expect anything.  and that has made a few things easier to deal with.  it is hard to do when you're working for or toward something.  and it's hard not to hope for it when you want it so badly.  so where's the balance?  so up and down is the human nature...

i was thinking in the car last night, it's comforting knowing that God won't ever leave me alone.  if everyone else in the world abandoned me, i know my God would not.  so there is some comfort in knowing that not everything will be lost...ever.  it might not feel like it, but there will always be a little hope, however unnoticeable it is. 

i realize there is a negative tone to all of this, and i don't mean for there to be.  i have just become more and more aware of the underlying tragedies in this life, it's hard for me to ignore that burden.  i see them in other people and myself all the time; in the things you believe about yourself, the situations we are in, the people we hurt or the ones who have hurt us.  what kind of life is one without Joy and Freedom from the burdens so many of us carry around?  i've got to remember to choose Joy.  life is too short not to.

thanks for hearing me xanga, as always...

i may need you more now :)

Currently Another Journal Entry By BarlowGirl On My Own see related

Life wears on me sometimes...

Can't believe that I'm here in this place again
How did I manage to mess up one more time?
This pattern seems to be the story of my life
Should have learned this lesson by the thousandth time

Cuz I promised myself I wouldn't fall
But here I've fallen
I guess I'm not as strong as I thought
All I can do is cry to You

Oh God You have to save me
You're my last and only hope
All my right answers fail me
I can't seem to make it on my own

I always thought that I would be strong enough
What made all of them fall couldn't take me down
Yeah, did I think that I was above it all
I have learned that pride comes before the fall

I can't promise that I won't fall 
Cuz here I've fallen
I know I'm not as strong as I thought
All I can do is cry to You

Outside Looking In

I just spent another weekend up in St. Joe, xanga...one of my favorite places in the world.  whenever i am up there, there is quite honestly no other place i would rather be...even more so when i'm there with the people i care most about. 

last night the sunset was exceptionally beautiful, and it reminded me of when i was in New Zealand...i think it was there that i got to experience God's love for me...i mean, i actually felt it.  it's like part of the point of that trip was for God to show me that there's more to him than just knowing about him...i hadn't really participated or truly interacted so intimately with him before that.  it was the beauty of the place that first got my attention--it was a strange thing for me to see such beauty all around me and feel like worshiping God for it and maybe crying at the same time...it's like i knew he made that for me, and i know how much i don't deserve it.  so now when something is achingly beautiful, crying is sometimes my first reaction--mostly out of joy, and maybe a little shame.  i'm not even going to try to explain that further because i don't even understand it.  to see such beautiful things and not be aware of a Creator who loves us more that we deserve or imagine would be pure blindness...and i have had my share of blindness. 

so anyway, the sunset last night in St. Joe, Michigan was spectacular. 

what else....

work is insane....but good, still love working at Crown!

i leave for CENTRAL AMERICA in a week and a half for 17 Days--i will be traveling with Becca and Lucy. 

i have a boyfriend who is pretty much awesome to hang out with. 

i'm thinking about building a house if i can't find one to buy. 

i will start my Master's this year.

i'm gonna see Jars of Clay in July at the fair...first row! 

and...it's late, time for bed. 

before i go:

"But if we look forward to something we don't have yet, we must wait patiently and confidently.  And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress.  For we don't even know how we should pray.  But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.  And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for believers in harmony with God's own will.  And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God." 

--Romans 8: 25-26

Currently Breaking Dawn (The Twilight Saga, Book 4) By Stephenie Meyer see related

All I want is to be in the Light

Xanga, what has become of us?

we used to talk a lot more.

i guess it's kind of the same with God right now.  i miss him. 

i always take peace for granted, and i never realize that until i don't have it anymore.  i remember the moment i realized that i could never depend on another person for contentment, fulfillment or security.  and i don't think i do, but it's an easy trap for most people to fall into.  i'm constantly checking myself because i know that no one is ever going to love me like God does.  and i'll believe that, even when i don't feel his love. 

xanga, sometimes i want to be a kid again--usually whenever life gets complicated.  i like things to be simple, and i don't ever want to sound like i'm complaining all the time.  i just feel the weight of the world sometimes and how things aren't how they should be--myself included. 

there are days when i don't really want to deal with the burdens of the world anymore--and when i don't want to deal with something, i just try to stay away from it.  which i know is probably the lazy way out, and i know i can't do that forever. 

sorry xanga, i'm not near as good at sorting out my thoughts as i used to be.

Church on Saturday was so good for me...they had several people come forward and hold up pieces of cardboard with their life "issue" written on one side and on the flip side was written how God redeemed or comforted them.  i was so affected by the whole thing, and i was trying to think about what i would put on my piece of cardboard...and there are so many things.  but if i only could pick one, i know exactly what it would be.  it's always in a service that i realize i'm not where i once was or where i should be, but i also know God hasn't abandoned me.  miraculously.  i would have abandoned me by now.   

in other news...i took my scuba classes this weekend.  i passed everything except for one thing that i have to practice and go back for--breathing underwater without the mask.  it is so hard for me!  i feel like water is going up my nose, and they don't let you pinch your nose...so needless to say, i swallowed a lot of water yesterday.

until next time, xanga...